Somewhere I Belong
by keisan
Summary: A oneshot, KaiRei fic. It's more close friendship than anything but implies that a closer relationship is inevitable. Very angsty dealing with harsh topics, which may not be enjoyed by all. Rei is in trouble, but will Kai figure it out and stop him be


Somewhere I Belong  
  
Disclaimer- I do not own BeyBlade or any of it's characters, that is owned by the brillant artists that live very far away.... In the land of Nod. No not really, they live in Japan...Damn.....  
  
A/n- Well I thought I'd start another BeyBlade fic, just 'cause I had some inspiration one day hehehe. Plus my other fic isn't turning out as well as I'd originally planned, the whole storyline kinda died, but don't worry I plan to finish it. I actually came up with this one while I was just daydreaming, and I even tried to draw it, but unfortunatly I couldn't really put a lot into it at the time, busy-ness you know. Oh and just so you know, I read a lot of depressing teen books, so if it gets really angsty, well that's just 'cause I'm used to reading that sort of thing. And yes it's Kai/Rei , I think it might a side fic for 'Numb' and 'Faint', but not directly connected with the plotline....ah nevermind. Warning- cutting and abuse of oneself.  
  
A gentle breeze swirled about in the cool climate, encouraging the ocean water to creep up more onto the beach. The night sky's stars glistened on the waves. Not too far down, a boy sat upon a large boulder wedged into the sand over years of erosion and time. His golden eyes were enraptured by the way the swift waves pounded the beach and cliffs, and then quickly withdrawing back into place. He sighed wishing he could find that place, rather his place, where he belonged.  
  
The boy, Rei, looked down to observe the broken skin on his wrists, he knew he had a problem, normal people don't usually cut themselves on purpose, but he felt like it was his punishment. He was wrong to betray his former team, the White Tigers, and he was wrong to befriend the members of his new team, he didn't deserve it. On top of that, not only did his former team forgive him, but his new team accepted him! He thought that if he wasn't being punished by Fate, that destroying himself was his only true discipline. After all, hadn't Kai suffered from that all his life? Trapped in himself by loneliness and despair, and having to live as a young boy in an abbey with someone who constantly beat and abused you. Kai never deserved that, Fate wasn't being fair.  
  
His silk raven strands brushed his cheeks and the tears away. He then undid the last of his bandages and reached for the small blade twisted snuggly in his hair binds. It was the greatest hiding place he'd ever thought of. He was proud of himself that day when he'd thought of it.  
  
Cutting had become an obsession to him, and when he'd started beyblading, he knew he couldn't leave his army knife just anywhere. He'd clipped the knife shut in it's handle and binded it into his hair binds safely. Whenever he was out alone or crying to himself at night over the loss of his former team or Kai's past, he'd slip it out of the binds and open it, then everything seemed to go away. Everyone's hurts and losses and pain, including his own, seemed to drift away as though in a dream.  
  
The violent cuts ran up his arms to where the bandages extended to, and around his wrists, though he knew the proper way to cut so he would not bleed to death. The white scars stood out from his tan skin, and ran in various patterns from ancient Chinese characters to simple child-like drawings he'd done when he was younger.  
  
With a sigh he put the knife away and picked up his bandages. He began the peaceful walk home. He remembered the direction to the trickling stream he'd found the first day the group went to the European hotel, near the east coast of France. Reaching the little cool stream, he put his bare arms under it to wash away the drying blood. He watched in sick fascination as the blood ran down into the stream. Snapping out of it, he wrapped the bandages around his arms again and fled the stream.  
  
!!!  
  
Garnet eyes flew open. A cold sweat on his brow, Kai flung himself upright. Panting heavily, he pulled his legs up to his chin and wiped the sweat off his face.  
  
That nightmare haunted him again, the one with the raven-haired neko-jin, Rei. The dream was trying to give him a message, of that now he was sure. It started when he met the Chinese boy in at the beyblade tournament match in Japan. His eyes had captured his attention, his sanity. Feelings began to grow within his cold, heart of stone. He ignored it at first, but soon they became overpowering, and he'd realized his defeat. Now, whenever he tried to gaze into the neko-jin's eyes, they were always distant, distraught and haunted. Just as he'd get a glimpse into the boy's distracted eyes, Rei would plaster on a fake cheerful face. He knew Rei wanted everyone to believe he was fine, but Kai knew better.  
  
Kai had lived with nightmares most of his life, mostly those of his tragic past in the abbey, all the times he'd been abused and beaten, until there was nothing left but a hard hollow shell of a boy left. Before he'd met Rei, nothing had value to him, nothing except power. Rei was kindly and began to show him ways of living that didn't require the power-hungry attribute he'd aquired. Rei taught him kindness, compassion and care. But Rei had a dark secret, something he didn't want another person in this world to know about, something that was driving him mad but made him dependent on it. Whatever it was that had Rei caught, didn't want to let him go.  
  
Kai had realized before he'd woken up that Rei was gone. The hotel suite had three bedrooms for the team. Takao and Max had opted to share one room, and the Chief was going to be working nonstop with Dizzy, so he took a room by himself without any complaints or objections. No one wanted to be kept awake with the clacking of keys and mutterings that would certainly erupt from the computer obsessed boy. So that left the last room for Kai and Rei to share, Rei was accepting to everyone, well almost everyone. The only one who minded to sleep in Takao's room was Max, but then Max was greatly tolerant of him, disturbingly so. As for Kai, Rei was the only one he could stand to be in the same room with for more than an hour at a time, so he was fine with that.  
  
Rei had been waking up a few times every night, he couldn't seem to sleep well, and when he did sleep it was lightly and he tossed and turned constantly. Bags had begun forming under his eyes, but Kai assumed he must've had something for those, as it never showed at practice. He was weary though, and he seemed to daze off every little while. His eyes always half closed. But he smiled whenever anyone showed concern and brushed if off as their paranoia.  
  
Kai was growing more and more concerned for him. The concern, he realized, was more than just being a good team captain, it was something Kai had for Rei and Rei alone. Rei was relief from everything hard he'd suffered throughout his life. Kai knew Rei's childhood had been happy, or so he thought, but definitely easier and more innocent than his. Kai sometimes thought the gods were laughing at him, handing him suffering, while they gave many others, namely his team, an innocent carefree childhood. At one time he was even jealous of Rei, but he quickly overcame that, realizing he'd never want Rei to have to live through his life and become cold and hard like he had. He wanted Rei to stay innocent and he vowed he would protect Rei from anything. He would take a million pasts of his own just to protect Rei.  
  
!!!  
  
Stumbling back to the hotel, Rei slowed to a stroll as he tried to get his bearings straight. Kai will have noticed his disappearance, he always did. It was almost as if Kai kept a special watch on him, he always knew. Panting slightly, the blood loss made his head dizzy, but he managed to make it to the elevator and punched in the UP button. Leaning against the wall for support, he waited impatiently, and kept pinching himself in order to remain conscious.  
  
He stumbled into the elevator, knowing he wasn't going to last long, he had to get back to his room. As long as he got back, he could climb into bed, fall unconscious and nobody would know what he'd been doing, he could just say he was tired so he slept in late. That was another thing he was doing more often, lying. He always had to cover with somekind of story or another, at first they were half truths, but they slowly slipped more into lies. When he reached his floor, he hurried down the coridor as fast as he was able with all the dizziness clouding over him, punched in the code to his and Kai's room, and crept in utilising his cat-like silence.  
  
Kai appeared to be sleeping, his arms sprawled out above his head as he slept soundly on his stomach. Rei smiled fondly at the sight, and at last unconsciousness seized him.  
  
Kai jerked up when he realized something had just crashed down on the floor near the door. He was stunned to see Rei sprawled out on the floor as if he'd no energy left. Kai walked over to him, cautiously, checked his pulse and breathing, which were slow and shallow. Worry gripped him, but he was faintly aware that Rei would be fine after a good long rest, after which, he would sit down and speak to Rei directly. Whatever was wrong with Rei would soon be found out, that was for sure.  
  
He then wrapped his arms around the unconscious boy and effortlessly lifted him off the floor. Rei purred a little, causing Kai to smile a little. He put him on the bed, pulled off his shoes and spread the covers generously over his shivering body. Kai then walked around to the otherside and got under the covers.  
  
Watching Rei for a few moments, Kai drifted off. Hoping his nightmares were now at bay with the neko-jin next to him.  
  
However his hopes were dashed, and a couple hours later, he woke from a terrifying nightmare. His dream started out with Rei laughing along with everyone in the group, himself standing in his usual position watching them contentedly. Then everyone disappeared, and Rei was in a corner by himself. His eyes were glossed with tears, and his eyes showed fear, despair and something else he couldn't descipher, though the best he could come up with would have been a look of .......longing? Kai tried to go to him, to tell him it was alright, he felt compelled to do so, and ask him why he was sad, but something was holding him back. Heavy spiked chains held him in his place, but he struggled against them as they pressed into his skin. It bled but he kept struggling. He started to call to Rei, but Rei was distracted by something, something glistening with blood in the darkness. Rei wandered further and further away from a shouting Kai, completely oblivious. Kai listened for Rei, and when he heard his scream, Kai flung himself up in a cold sweat.  
  
Panting, Kai tried to calm himself as much as possible. Never had the dreams been so vivid before. There was something seriously wrong and he had to find out, now.  
  
!!!  
  
Rei found himself lost in a dream. He was in a beautiful palace, surrounded by his friends, the Blade Breakers, and they were talking and laughing. Kai was in his usual position a little ways from the group. Suddenly everyone was gone and he was completely alone. That's when the nightmare started. Kai appeared, but he was bound by chains and couldn't seem to reach him. Rei tried to call for Kai but his voice was gone, the more he tried the more futile he realized his attempts were. Rei could see Kai's struggling was causing him pain, and the spikes on his chains dug into the pale flesh on his ankles and wrists. Rei wanted to run to him, but something beckoned to him. Something glistening in the dark, blood on a shiny knife. Something took control of his body and he was pulled towards the glistening against his will, all the time his mind calling to Kai.  
  
Rei shuddered and woke from the nightmare. He was panting a little and his eyes were leaking, or rather he was crying. He realized he was in his bed, had he gotten there himself? Last he remembered he blacked out at the door. Perhaps he was moved? Before he could ponder his thoughts anymore, Kai shot up from his pillow, gasping.  
  
Rei turned over under his covers to look at Kai, wondering what was wrong. He rubbed the tears away and hoped the darkness hid the tearstreaks well. Kai took a moment to get his bearings straight, and then looked to him.  
  
Kai's eyes widened as he realized Rei was now awake, Rei looked away a little embarrassed. But Kai seemed determined to keep his attention.  
  
He started in a commanding tone, "Rei, we have to talk."  
  
By the sound of it, Kai meant serious business, no arguing, no lies, no backing away, nothing of which he'd been doing as of late.  
  
The blue-haired captain reached over and turned on the lamp beside the bed. Rei squinted at the sudden brightness and tried to protest. But Kai would have none of it.  
  
Kai's garnet orbs stared into his golden ones as if searching for an answer, but assuming he hadn't found one, Kai began to interrogate.  
  
"What is wrong? And don't you dare tell me nothing, I know you've been hiding something from us. You make things up and expect us to believe everything that is wrong here is a fluke, and you may fool the others, but I don't believe you. I am not easily fooled, and I don't like that you feel you have to lie to me about whatever it is that's wrong."  
  
Rei winced at the harsh tone, but felt anger flash through him. 'What right had Kai to ask this? Kai should just mind his own business and let me wander in my own misery. Isn't that what Kai did? Kai wasn't caring, he was powerhungry, but,' his mind wandered, 'hasn't he changed over the months we've spent travelling the world with the Bladebreakers?' Rei wondered at this, but still hadn't budged his resolve not to let anyone know his dark secret, his obsession, his punishment.  
  
Rei looked away not wanting to see the piercing gaze Kai sent him. Kai wasn't going to win this one. But Rei hadn't counted on Kai's stubborn persistance, and this night, it was stronger than ever before.  
  
!!!  
  
'Rei,' Kai thought, 'You're not going to win this, no matter how much you try to stop me.'  
  
Deep down, Kai really did care, not only because Rei was his teammate, but because he had taught him that there was more to life than power. Kai also had an inkling feeling that one of the reasons Rei did not want to let the team know of his dark secret, was because he was so compassionate. He did not anyone to suffer because of him; and it was that quality, that was slowly killing him. Compassion was good, but not if it hurt the one giving it away so freely.  
  
Kai's mind wandered back to his dream and he remembered the bloody knife, 'Could that be it?' he wondered, he had a feeling it might.  
  
"Rei," Kai said a little softer this time, "Please tell me."  
  
Kai's uncharacteristic words caught Rei off guard, and Rei looked at him with regret for a minute, and the tears began to well up.  
  
!!!  
  
'Why has it come to this? Why can't he just let it be? Why me? Why am I so weak? He must think I'm pretty pathetic crying like this, maybe ... maybe I should tell him ... it's not like him to say 'please', but he might get hurt because of me. Maybe that dream was some sort of message, maybe he can handle the truth. Oh why am I even bothering ...' Rei's mind was in a whorl of confusion of what to do, never had he been so uncertain.  
  
Rubbing the tears away, Rei fought with himself and his decision.  
  
Suddenly, he was encircled by a pair of strong arms and pulled into a hesitating embrace. Shocked, Rei stayed still and silent, shaking with nervousness and the oncoming tears.  
  
Finally, his mind calmed and wondered at this sudden display of tenderness. This wasn't Kai? Was it? It sure felt like him, and looked like him and even smelt like him.  
  
!!!  
  
Holding Rei against him felt like the raging war in himself had finally achieved peace, and he wondered at his own sanity. Decidedly, this had to be done, and ignoring all thought, he stroked his back and bound hair.  
  
"Please Rei," he whispered in his ear sending chills of delight down his neck, "You've taught me a lot since we met, I – I want to ... help you ... I – I care ... so much. You have no idea what you've done to me. I won't give up on this, ever."  
  
!!!  
  
Rei relaxed into the gentle embrace, tears slipping down his smooth cheeks and he nodded his head solemnly. He wanted to remain in the comfort for a little while before he began his depressing tale. Kai just stroked his back and played with his long, bound hair for a little while.  
  
Moments passed as though years, when Rei finally began to draw away something dropped out of his hair binds, nicking Kai in the process.  
  
Kai drew away, bringing his nicked thumb to his mouth. Rei panicked, this wasn't how he was supposed to find out. The bluenette grabbed away the small trinket before Rei could retrieve it and hide it away. Kai looked at Rei with a serious expression and turned towards the light to see whatever it was that cut his thumb.  
  
Rei knew he was in for it now, one glance at the object and it would be all over. Kai wouldn't want him on the team, he probably would never forgive him and make him go to some mental institution or something.  
  
!!!  
  
Kai's eyes widened at the little army knife that had dropped out of Rei's hair binds. He examined it closely and saw stains of blood on the sharp blade, and suddenly everything came together. The dream ... the unusual behaviour ... and the knife. Rei had been hurting himself. But why? Rei was like an angel that was so innocent and unscathed by the cruelty of life, but the evidence proved that wrong.  
  
Kai turned back to Rei angrily, eyes serious. Rei looked down at his arm binds and scratched them unconsciously. Kai's eyes widened and quickly took Rei's arms in his hands. He started to pull away the linen cloth, desperately hoping it wasn't what he thought, but his hopes were dashed when the scars were revealed. Pale faded scars, deep red fresh ones and little drawings and Chinese writing written in scars. Kai paled considerably, and fear was etched across his Russian features. The only thing that came to mind was ...  
  
"Why?"  
  
!!!  
  
Rei was looking down at the so-called 'art' covering his arms and wrists. The tears well in his eyes and flowed down his cheeks, he didn't care if Kai thought he was weak because of them. Kai had just ruined everything in the blink of an eye, his 'personal discipline' required this secret, but now he was exposed and his secret was revealed.  
  
He turned to avoid Kai's desperate gaze, and hide his own embarrassment. But Kai reached forward taking his hands in his own.  
  
"Why? Why Rei why?" Kai persisted.  
  
When Rei gave no answer, thinking the longer he kept silent the safter he was, Kai dropped on of his hands and took Rei's face in it.  
  
Rei couldn't look away. But he could still refuse to speak.  
  
"Rei! Why are you doing this?! What are you trying to do?! Why are you being so selfish?!"  
  
Rei had to say something.  
  
"I'm not doing anything! Can't you just leave it alone? I'm fine, just fine!"  
  
"Rei... you're not fine. What's wrong?"  
  
Kai's voice spoke softly this time, "What's wrong? Why are you hurting yourself?"  
  
Rei looked away miserably.  
  
Barely audible he whispered, "Because I deserve it."  
  
Kai's eyes widened in shock and anger, "How can you say that?! You're the kindest person I know, you wouldn't hurt a fly, you're innocent!"  
  
Tears fell from the amber eyes, "You've been through so much, you never deserved any of what was done to you. I, on the other hand, have had it easy, I should be punished. I abandoned my old team, and was understandably rejected. I found a new team and was welcomed. My old team forgave me. I can't accept that, I've done something wrong, I should be punished. Fate's not being fair."  
  
!!!  
  
"Rei, no Rei, no. You've already made up for your error, you felt the guilt and apologized. Besides that, I can hardly call that an error, you were simply curious, you wanted to explore the world and learn more about Beyblading in order to help your old team. This was clear to me when you battled in the Asian and American tournament. You also helped me, don't forget," Kai said softly but with strength.  
  
Kai took the smaller raven-haired boy in his arms, "You have to stop this, this is bad. You mustn't punish yourself, you've done nothing wrong, and if I have to guard you every hour of the day just to make sure you won't cut yourself again then I will."  
  
"But what about you Kai? You've done nothing wrong and you were punished, why should I not have the same fate?" Rei said in a small voice.  
  
Kai looked down at him for a moment and said, "You shouldn't worry about me. What's done is done. I will never go back to the abbey or to my grandfather," there was a rumble of thunder in that moment, and flash of lightning that lit up the room.  
  
Kai got up and closed the window carefully as the rain began to pour down outside.  
  
He got back into the bed and pulled Rei down beside him.  
  
"Sleep kitten. I won't ever be able to change the past, but I won't let you destroy yourself on my account. Your future will be bright. You'll remain innocent, always. Promise me." "I promise, Kai."  
  
!!!  
  
Rei lay there awake a long time before falling asleep, wondering what all of this meant. He certainly wouldn't be hurting himself anymore, he'd given his word. But how hard would it be to stop the habit....? Or even get used to Kai caring a little more than he thought?  
  
A song he'd heard once, by Linkin Park, 'Somewhere I Belong,' edged back into his thoughts and made him ponder at its message. Perhaps he'd always belonged there, with his friends, with Kai, happy. Perhaps not. Whatever was deemed to happen would happen, and he wished it was for better rather than worse. He and Kai would overcome their own problems together, as close friends, or maybe more, someday.  
  
Fin  
  
A/n: Yeah I know that was really lame..... an over used topic maybe, but I wrote it a very long time again and recently found it in my files, not to mention, I really needed to finish something! I've been lazing off, and being busy quite a lot doesn't help much. I owe everyone something, since it's been forever since I've updated anything. I promise I will update soon, other fics that is, maybe this weekend, I dunno, we'll see. 


End file.
